The boy stared out into the black nothingness. Being grounded was so boring, it felt like eternity to him.  He rolled over and opened his sock drawer for the second time. He searched thoroughly, but still didn't find what he was hoping for. He definately finished off all of his weed stash yesterday. He noticed his friend Satan was approaching. "Maybe he will sell me a bag?" he said quietly. He was a goofy looking thing, with red skin on his upper half and goat legs. He had two horns on his forhead, and a waving pointy tail.
"What the fuck is up biotch?" Satan said with a grin. "You ever going to be ungrounded or what? Fuckin A man"
"Yeah its been a fuckin eternity, I don't know what the fuckin problem is." God said. "I need some bud, bro. Im fuckin dyin here."
"No can do, bro. Ive been trying to get on this straightedge bitch, but she hates the drugs. Im going to smoke my fuckin brains out at this party tonight, then I have to stay clean till I get a piece"
"Don't be an asshole, Satan, Im fucking stuck here. Help a mother fucker out will ya?"
"Shit I'd love to, but I don't have that much left. Maybe I can stop by after the party, Ill see what I can do." Satan wasn't lying, God could see it in his eyes.
"Aight dude. Don't fuck me, okay?" God said.
"Sure thing man, peace out." Satan left, with his pointy tail twitching behind him.
"God damnit, this is so fucking boring!" God yelled to himself. "Maybe I'll make another one of those fucking worlds. Those things can be entertaining somtimes. Where it is that fucking... lighty thing? Here we are." A light now filled his room. "Now this is good." He grabbed a big handful of mud, and left it suspended in the air for a moment, twirling slowly. Then he carefully moved it inside of a glass enclosure, made just for this sort of thing so it doesn't get destroyed accidentally. The ball of mud was hovering exactly in the center of this fishbowl, still rotating quite slowly. "Never made one that rotates before. This night and day effect is pretty fuckin cool!" The boy stared at the ball of mud with excitement in his eyes, imagining what he should do next. Then he reached in the bowl with both hands and made two deep imprints in the mud. Water slowly seeped out of the mud into the recessed parts of the ball. "Gotta have some seas, get some fuckin sailor pirates and shit goin on! Hell yeah!" Then the boy sprinkled some small seeds onto the dry lands. They began to grow, but poorly. The light was just too far away. God moved the light closer to the bowl. He tossed a little ball of mud into orbit around the larger one, to be a moon. Then he glued some little stars to the outside of the bowl. "Now that is a pretty little world. That is some good shit." He said. God stuck his finger into his nose, then retracted a small piece of booger. "Good enough" he said as he dipped it into the ocean of the small world. Bacteria inside the booger began to multiply rapidly, evolving into more complicated creatures. God did not understand how time moved at different speeds in his tiny world, but he did not care. The quicker it moves the more entertaining it would be. The oceans were quickly filled with fish, and birds started flying around. Soon some of the fish were flopping around on land, scooting about the mud with thier little flippers. "You stupid fuckers don't have any legs!" God laughed. Even as he watched, the land flopping fish became more and more capable of movement on land with each generation. Some of the fish were no longer moving in and out of the ocean, but just staying on dry land thier whole lives. Suddenly God realized how long he had been staring at this little ball, because his bladder was ready to explode. When he came back from the bathroom, the land animals were extremely big. He watched intently as they ran around eating each other and fucking and whatnot. He reached into the bowl to pick one of the critters up, and it bit his thumb. "FUCKER!" he screamed into the bowl. "Oh shit" he said as he watched thousands of his creatures drop dead at the sound of his voice. "Fucked that up somethin fierce didn't I?" It wasn't all destroyed though. Some small furry animals were still crawling about. He noticed some of the animals were swinging in trees, and throwing feces at each other. This made him giggle like a little girl. Even now some of the tree swingers had began to move away from the trees, and started walking more upright with each generation.
Satans voice directly behind him made him jump. "You fucking melvin, you created a world!"
"Get fucked in your fat red ass you fucking whore!"
"No need for hostitlity bro. Hey those are some fine ass bitches you have made down there."
"Not a chance dude. You aren't screwing this up."
"I brought some shrooms. We could go in there and have a little party."
"No!"
"Dude, 4 out of 5 gynecologists reccomend that you stop being such a PUSSY!"
"Ha ha ha. Shut your fuckin mouth, this is intersting. I just want to sit back and watch for a while."
"Whatever you say chief." Satan popped open his bag, and began to gobble up his magic mushrooms. "Fuckin pervert" he mumbled.
"What? Fuck you Mario!" God said as he turned his attention back to his creation.
God reached into the bowl, and made a nice little garden. He grabbed his favorite poo tossing creature that seemed to be incredibly intelligent compared to the others, and set him in the garden. God put various animals in the garden, hoping for the one he named Adam to crossbreed into some kind of super creature. But none would work (Gen 2:20). So God put Adam to sleep, and set him on the operating table. God quickly cut out one of Adams ribs. Using his polymerase chain reaction controlling machine, and various other equipment in the lab he was able to create a nearly exact copy of Adam, only this one he made female.
"Cookin me some god damn dinner over there?" Satan asked.
"Its called genetic engineering, moron." he said as he gently set this girl, Eve, down to keep Adam from being lonely. And also (the more important goal) to create more intelligent creatures.
 Then he noticed it, growing right on one of his own created trees. It was a mushroom.
"Satan you dipshit! You spit some shroom in the bowl!"
"Dude! Your face is melting!" Satan laughed hysterically.
"Idiot." God mumbled and turned back two the bowl. "Hey you two. Don't eat that funky fruit growing on that tree. Don't even touch it. It will kill you."
Satan stood up and quickly pushed God, and God fell down. Satan yelled into the bowl "Fuck that, eat that shit! Expand your fuckin mind!" Satan fell down laughing hysterically again.
God turned back to the bowl to stop them, but It was too late. "I told you not to eat those. Get the fuck out of my garden bitches!"
God reached over and grabbed the newspaper sitting next to him. He glanced at the sports section. "Fucking Denver Broncos lost again! Those pussies cost me alot of money!"
"Huh?" Satan mumbled, still grinning.
God slowly rolled up the newspaper. He held it in his hand, feeling the weight of it. Before satan even saw any movement, the rolled up paper smashed against the side of his head.
"What the holy shit, man?" Satan cried out.
"You are a fucking fucktard, inbred goat fucker!" God yelled.
"Dude, I'm half goat. What do you expect?" Satan said, crouched down and expecting to be smitten out of existence any second.
"Goat fucker" God laughed, "I'm hilarious! Its funny because it's true!"
"Yes you are," Satan replied "God damn hilarious! And you create one helluva world, too! Look at what they are doing."
God turned back to see that Adam, Eve, and thier offspring were living in some kind of primitive society. Apparently the mushrooms had driven them to question things, and find better ways to live. God forgot about his anger towards Satan, as he was again mesmerized by the spinning ball of mud. "I need to organize a moral system for them, and get them worshiping me as the bad ass that I am!" He said quietly. Already the humans were making up fake gods to explain thier own existance.
"Jesus Christ!" God exlaimed, when he saw Jesus walking toward him.
"Actually the name is just Jesus, I thought you would know that." Said the newcomer. He had long hair and a beard, a flowing white robe, and he was holding a sack of weed bigger than his head. "Who is your favorite hippie?" He asked smiling.
"You're not a hippie anymore, you are the messiah, Jesus Christ! You will save my world!" God said exitedly.
"With weed?" Asked the hippie nervously. "I'm not much for saving things."
But it was too late to argue with God, once he made up his mind, that was pretty much how things went. Unless someone ended up getting destroyed by him. That, interestingly enough, ruined alot of his own plans.
"Okay, I will set you up." God said, and dissappeared for a few seconds. "Alright she is pregnant, now you will be a miracle birth. Just preach my teachings (which Jesus was instantly aware of even though he didn't want to be apart of any of this), everything should be perfect."
"Can they hurt me?" Jesus asked timidly.
"Naw, you can have some super powers, do some miracles, they will be too afraid of my wrath to even touch you. And I will be watching everything, I'll bail you out if necessary." God touched Jesus' shoulder and the hippie dissapeared instantly.
"Are you sure this is going to work?" Asked Satan.
"Who the fuck do you think you are talking to?" God replied.
"I'm just saying these things can be crazy sometimes. Maybe you should go out and get some fucking puntang or something. You are a little obsessed. Clear your mind a bit."
"Were you here just now? I impregnated a hot virgin, and I feel great."
"Okay then we should go get shitfaced. Anything to make you relax a little."
"You already have a shit face, cockbag. Besides, I'm grounded."
"Fucking God, you grounded yourself! Just say that you aren't grounded, and it will be done!"
"Well, yeah I could do that. But that isn't how things work."
"Yes it is! You can do whatever the fuck you want!" Satan was almost yelling now.
"I can flick your ugly head right off of your shoulders into..."
Jesus appeared suddenly. "What the fuck are you doing out here?!" The peace loving hippie yelled angrily.
"Why did you come back so soon?" Asked an already irritated God.
"Soon!" Jesus screamed. "I was in there for thirty-odd fucking years!"
"Did you spread my gospel then?" God asked, ignoring Jesus' anger.
"Yeah, and they nailed me to a fucking board! Three fucking days I hung there! Where the fuck were you?!"
"Sorry man, time is fucked in that thing."
"Fuck that!" Jesus said as he pulled back and punched God right in the face.
God fell like a rag doll on the floor, his leg twitching spastically as he lay.
"Dude, when he wakes up he is going to smite the fucking shit out of you!" Satan yelled, terrified. "You had better dissappear for a long time, until he calms down. Ill try to smooth it out when he wakes up."
"Thanks man, you are a true pal." And Jesus ran off into the darkness.
As God lay unconscious, with his worried red friend crouched over him, the small world moved on.


- S.M.

Posted by: Optimus Christ at 12:22 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 2040 words, total size 12 kb.